don’t panic

I’ve said it before, but B*ank of America spammed me again today and it just adds fuel to an already heated issue.

Today’s spam came in a very official envelope, very much like the ones that they use to send me my monthly statements. This envelope had angry red triangles around the edges that made it look even more important and official. It’s also completely unmarked, save for the cellophane window in which can be seen my name and address. Strategically placed next to my name so that it’s partially obscured are the words, “Issued to:” as you might put if you were “issuing” a check or some other important notice or fee. This is my ba*nk. I can’t NOT open it. It might actually be something important instead of another waste of my time. And so I do… Open it.

You know you have been spammed as soon as you find the postage paid envelope, but that was buried within another official looking paper with the word, “NOTIFICATION” printed in large underlined type at the top. Below that is “Re: Credit Report” and “Priority: High”, then finally, “Reply requested by: August 29, 2006″.

The rest, as you might have already guessed is basically an ad to sign up for their $11.99 a month “PrivacySource” service.

Having just purchased a car with a lo*an from another b*ank (one which will be getting a lot more of my service – and my money – very shortly) I wasted a few extra seconds of my life to make sure that this wasn’t some legitimate notification that they might have sent me because they happened to be watching my account, which had just dropped by nearly three grand quite abruptly. But no. It was simply a coincidence that they happened to spam me when credit was so on my noggin. I find it somewhat ironic that the very service they are trying to sell me, is something that they should be doing regardless. Or maybe it’s not so ironic… Maybe they watch for sudden drops in your account, knowing that it could very well be identity theft, and then send you the offer. The timing was pretty amazing.

Needless to say, I felt a little used. Playing on my loyalty, they once again fooled me into opening their advertisement. “Ha! Made you look!” But worse is the fact that nowhere on their high priority notification (sure, it’s “high priority” to them…) did it mention the fact that anyone can receive a copy of their credit report free of charge from any of the three major credit agencies… without having to sign-up for some monthly service. In fact, you can do each of them separately and basically get a report three times a year. You would think, that if they were so concerned with my welfare, that they, my ba*nk, would be the first to tell me this, maybe even provide instructions on how to do so. If I was extra paranoid, I might just sign up for their service anyway. It has it’s merits… But not from a ba*nk that goes out of it’s way to deceive me.

No thanks. The only crooks I need to worry about at the moment are the ones who already have my money. But that’s being corrected forthwith.

Oh wait… that smell is us. Phwew!

A word of advice for those trying to buy a car – Don’t try to do it all in one day. Yes, it can be done, but unless, like us, you are insane, go ahead and do your financing the next day… really.

We decided to go for it and get the Scion xB. We looked at many, and sat in everything that was even a possibility. We looked at price, mileage, maker… the works. What it ultimately boiled down to was this:

A) You have to fit in the car you buy. I’m a tall dude, and Renee is a big gal. Either I had too little head room for comfort, or she was uncomfortable behind the wheel. Some cars were surprising. The new Civic for example was roomy behind the wheel, but felt to me like I’d knock my noggin on the ceiling if we went over a bump. We even stepped (up) into a few SUV’s, just for a comparison. You know what? They weren’t any better. Why is it that nobody seems to be able to make a steering column that can lift just one more inch for comfort?

B) Price. We could only afford so much realistically, and we knew that what we purchased was almost certainly what we would have ten years from now. In other words, almost nobody adds accessories or options after the fact. We were frankly shocked at how expensive cars are now. And considering that you really aren’t getting anything more for your money (not mileage, nor reliability – though the dealer will argue the point) it seemed to us that about the only thing that has changed is performance. Technology in the form of anti-lock brakes and active traction systems as well as more power. But we weren’t going to be drag racing, so power didn’t bother us (which is good because the xB does lack pep). Dual airbags was nice though.

C) Mileage. I said it before. Mileage today absolutely sucks compared to the cars of two decades ago. My clunker ’86 Civic still gets better actual mileage than the listed mileage of 90% of the cars on the Toyota lot. The xB was rated 30/34. Not bad for a vehicle with 43 cubic feet of cargo space.

D) Four doors. We looked at a lot of coups, but with Jordan growing out of her clothes faster than I can replace them, it just wasn’t practical if we could afford it. The xB was one of the cheapest four-door’s (quite possibly the cheapest) and had way more room (above and in front) than the Yarris. The xA is probably a better comparison, apple’s to apples.

E) Financing. We ended up going through a credit union for the loan and got a much better fixed rate. Payments deferred till October so we can continue to pay down the principle until then if we wish. We were pre-approved walking into the dealer, and it still took close to three hours and even then we had to come back later to deal with something on the trade-in. The amount of paperwork is mind boggling. We both felt that if we had to sign one more document our signatures would be dangerously close to legally illegible.

So there it is. We are now the happy owners of a spanking new “Shadow Mica” Scion xB. We love it. So far, so good. Updates to come.

Ever since I took over the domestic duties, it has been necessary for me to do the “shopping.” Buying groceries is actually a very male-friendly experience – you start with a project budget, create a task list, collect resources, and make use of discretionary funds. Simple.

NOT.

Or rather it would be simple without the mitigating circumstances of family, marketing and brand choice. Supply and demand also apply, but that’s a normal and explicable factor.

Let me give you an example. When a single man goes to the store, he has a List. This List is gospel. Thou shalt not purchase any product not found upon Thy List. He goes into the store, he gets what he needs, and he leaves, preferably within 20 minutes. A man does not “browse” the aisles, and while he might take “free samples” presented to him, he would never purchase the actual products of those samples because… They are not found upon The List.

But when you add a family to the mix, things change.

When a man goes to the store with his family, The List is suddenly for reference only. Any product on The List may be indiscriminately substituted, replaced or deleted at a moment’s notice by The Wife, who holds ultimate veto power. She also holds the power to add to The List, and will do so based on an impossibly complex collection of variables which are incomprehensible to males of the species. Do not try to understand why she needs the 16 lb bag of corn chips, just put it in the cart and move on as quickly as possible. Every second you remain in the store will only increase the likelihood that The List will change further.

Also effecting The List is The Child (thank God we have but one…). The Child also has the ability to add to The List (but not remove) through the use of escalating verbal and emotional “persuasion.” This must be resisted, but the finer points of de-persuading minors is a topic of another post. Suffice it to say that The Child and The Wife (who is nominally sympathetic to The Child) will almost always override whatever authority the male holds. Fight for control if you will, but you will ultimately regret it later.

But there are other things that make shopping different for a guy. We tend to notice the way that stores work to deceive you. That 10 lb store-label bag of flour they have on sale may look like a good deal until you find the brand-name one for a quarter less hidden conspicuously behind the in-aisle merchandise display. Or the way the units just never seem to match up between brand and store products… Brand by ounce, store by pound. Or worse, brand by sheet, store by roll. You might be able to figure it out, but who has the time? You’ve only got 20 minutes, remember?!

And while we’re on it, what’s up with those damn in-aisle displays anyway? It used to be that two carts could actually pass by one another side by side. No more. Some flunky in marketing decided that all that space was just sitting there unused most of the time and thought it would be good to place obstacles for us to “notice” (read – “crash into and spill to the floor) as we fought to navigate our lame cart through a crowded store. Sometimes I feel like I’m a mouse in a maze the way I have to backup and wait for the ninety-year-old lady who has strategically parked her cart like an arterial blockage while she hunts for the best price on peaches (which she wont find because they’ve been encrypted), oblivious to the traffic jam of shoppers that have become trapped behind her.

And then we have places like CostCo. Long ago, these were the places that were mainly frequented by restaurants, ice-cream vendors, and mini-marts. The products you purchased there were generically packaged brand name versions, usually in bulk. The prices were lower because they were one step up from resale. If you had a resale license, you could get it even cheaper.

Then, things changed. Why not sell to everyone, but charge them a fee and call them “members”. Instead of generic packaging, we’ll just get the manufacturers to create bigger sizes. We’ll offer our customers everything under the sun, from fruit to cars, and we will create the Price Point!

Yes indeed. The Price Point is this nifty little concept that basically says, a browsing consumer will impulse buy almost any product priced under certain amount, so it’s in the store’s best interest to try and market as many products as possible at or near that amount. For example, if your Price Point is $6.00 (as it was when “PriceClub” first started) then you don’t sell one can of whipped cream for $2.00, you sell three cans wrapped together for $6.00. Selling more product means that you can cut your margins finer and sell things at a reduced rate. At least that’s the theory.

The problem with this is that large warehouse-style stores have gotten greedy. They start introducing great deals on things like electronics. You only find out later that the brand-name DVD player you purchased was discontinued by the company for interface problems. In a nutshell, these companies are willing to offer any product by any maker so long as they can get a good enough deal that can be sold at their Price Point. You get weird brands of spaghetti that you’ve never heard of, and bizarre “test-bed” flavors of Pop-Tarts bundled in three-packs along with the strawberry and cinnamon (S’mores? Get real.). Something that you’ve been purchasing there for years will abruptly disappear, replaced by a no-name version in a slightly larger size for just a little bit more. Which brings us to Price Point Creep.

Or PPC for short (you can call it PP Creep if you like…). This is the tendency for warehouse Price Points to slowly rise over time. Since the early eighties, the warehouse store Price Point has gone from roughly $6.00, to nearly $10.00. It’s a bit like gasoline. As long as the price doesn’t go up more than a few cents here and there, we hardly notice. But CostCo does. I see it in nearly everything there, but you have to look very carefully. The bastards are tricky. Those three cans of whipped cream I mentioned… they slowly upped the price until it was about $7.65. Then they pulled a fast one. Until today, I was buying 15 oz cans of Land-o-Lakes brand. Then suddenly, that was replaced by Reddi-Whip Extra creamy. And since it’s a more national brand and (cough) extra creamy, they can justify charging just a little bit more for the three pack – $7.99. It’s only a few cents… until you realize that the cans are now 14 oz. Now I’m paying more for three ounces less.

And it’s like that with everything! The laundry detergent goes from 180 ounces to 205, while the price per ounce rises by a penny. The two-pack of parmesan cheese goes up a dollar and changes to a single BIGGER container, which is less product than the two cans together. But who notices that? All you see is a few pennies more on your receipt.

Bah!!

Men should not shop for groceries.