don’t panic

I’m one of those people that drives down the road and “talks” to the other drivers from within the closed quarters of my car. There’s probably some psychological diagnosis for talking when no one is around to hear it, but I don’t care. It’s not like I’m speaking to myself, or to someone who isn’t there… I just find that it helps my stress level if I can verbalize my frustrations.

In SoCal, being unstressed while driving is the exception, not the rule. In SoCal, we have a different code of driving than other places. Here is my current list of driving commandments should you live in my neighborhood. Mind you, this is not necessarily how I drive, but rather how the very vast majority of SoCal’ers move about. See how your home local compares.

1. It’s every man for themselves. Or woman, or child, teenager, college freshman, cyclist, trucker, FedEx Carrier, or Hitchhiker. No matter what you happen to be driving (or pushing), the prime directive is look out for numero uno… Even if that means you have to cause a six-car pile up because you wouldn’t allow the guy next to you to merge onto the freeway. This rule is seriously tied into the others, but it’s worth separating as a law unto itself.

2. Common courtesy of the road does not apply if you are driving a Truck or SUV. Simply put, by driving a large, fuel-guzzling vehicle, you are exempt from having to pay attention to things like bike lanes, compact parking spots, speed limits, 10 minute parking zones, handicapped zones (“I wasn’t PARKED there officer, really. I was just running in quick to get my teeth whitened…”), other cars merging (see rule #1), or the fact that your modified headlights cause temporary blindness even on low-beam.

3. SUV’s now come with free cell phones. If yours did not, then contact your dealer immediately so that you too can look like you’re so busy and important that you don’t have time to pull over and make that critical business call.

4. You paid a small fortune for your car stereo, so by golly, it should be heard! If you experience temporary hearing loss and are unsure if your stereo is draining your battery too fast, just look in that convenient vanity mirror in the upper center of your windshield. If the image is still visible through the bass vibration, then go ahead and turn it up a notch or two.

5. When on a major road, if your speed at any time drops below 75 MPH, you are designated as an obstacle. This rule applies until the traffic has reached a density of one car per twenty feet and it becomes impossible to cut in front of you. From that point on, “traffic” rules apply (see below).

6. At no time are you ever to read the manual on how to operate your car alarm. If by some accident you manage to figure it out on your own, you are required to set the sensitivity of the motion sensor at maximum, thereby insuring that your alarm will go off at least twice a night as the neighbor’s cat walks by.

7. Those lines in parking lots are for reference only. Positioning yourself in the center of two “spaces” ensures a safe distance will be maintained from other parked vehicles, and lessens the chances that owners of less expensive cars will inadvertently set off your car alarm with their door.

8. When you find yourself in heavy traffic (which in SoCal usually means “driving between the hours of 5 AM and 8 PM”), you must be sure to maintain a safe distance from the car in front of you. You must at all times be safe from anyone cutting between you and the person you are tailing. If your “gap” is threatened by someone, you are justified in reducing your tailing distance to three feet or less. You can usually spot someone trying to “butt in” by the blinking red light near their back bumper. The smarter drivers have learned to disable these and will be much harder to spot. If you yourself need to change lanes, and you have (foolishly) chosen to use your “blinker”, it is recommended that you do so two or three seconds after you start to enter the new lane. In this way, you cover yourself should you accidentally force someone off the road. (“But officer, I HAD my blinker on…”)

9. A convenient place to idle your truck or SUV while your buddy runs into the grocery store for more beer, is the frequently open area right in front of the doors. You may ignore the red “FIRE ZONE” indicators painted on the curbs. Those are strictly for fire-trucks. Also feel free to adjust the volume of your stereo for optimal bass performance. Stunned by the acoustics, sissy passers-by may not notice the NC-17 rated lyrics.

10. When making a right turn, be sure to swing wide to the left so that you don’t have to slow down as much. Don’t worry about other drivers. It’s their responsibility to watch out for you.

11. When approaching a stop light, if the car in front of you goes through the light, even if it turned red as they did so, you may follow them through as long as your tailing distance does not exceed four feet.
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